Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
But is it really??
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.