Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school