Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

That’s no pocket rocket.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

I’m having an out of money experience.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore