Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
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Oh we’ve met.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here
3 yr old: no
Me: you just want bare feet?
3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬