Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
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.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.