Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

buys donuts instead

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

This is the one

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.