Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.

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[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”


A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.


How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.


My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!


I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.


I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.


Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*


wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party


me: it’s warm in here

wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know

me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged