[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & curse anyone who tries to find you.
You Might Also Like
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
This is so cornknee
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome!
Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi.
Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
wife: please don’t take everything so literal at my work party
me: it’s warm in here
wife’s boss: tell me something I don’t know
me: many ppl think the witches in salem were burned to death but they were all hanged
Not now, kids.
Mommy’s boiling the Easter bunny.