Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Mad Max Arctic Road
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
When I face a minor setback
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything