Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
remember
only for emergencies
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
where the womens at?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.