Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
rise and shine we got egg
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move