Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

😾

I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.