Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
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Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.