Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here