Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
President The Rock Obama
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?