Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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October already? What’s next? November????
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Perfect
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Sir!!
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area