Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”