Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler