Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
thanks auntie mary
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh