Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Google Pay be like:
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.