Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.