Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.