Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
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I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
📽️movie date🎞️
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
(Musicians.)
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.