Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You Might Also Like
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.