Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Discuss

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

when you are just born a rebel

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.