Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Florida be like…
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.