Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

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TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again


In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.


My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”

Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.

Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.


Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.


Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling

Me: what’s that?

Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*


BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly


[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality


Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure