TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering “I don’t know how you eat that shit”.
My son touched my leg & said “so soft!”
Then he asked for his IPad back & I gave it to him.
Girls aren’t exactly rocket science, guys.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.
Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling
Me: what’s that?
Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure