Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
💁🏻♂️
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Lol
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.