Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

me: arch your back it’ll give you more power

guy at the next urinal: what

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like