Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

I hope this email finds you in a well

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

me logging onto twitter

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?