Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

😭😭😭

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?

Me: Not since you were born.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…

Without the receipt, apparently.

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?