[inclusive youth pastor voice:] cool, now that we know everyone’s proNOUNS, let’s get into some proVERBS.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
You Might Also Like
What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Ape together strong
Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017
*in hospital 3 days later*
Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot