Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..