@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

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@SatansJacuzzi

[inclusive youth pastor voice:] cool, now that we know everyone’s proNOUNS, let’s get into some proVERBS.

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@iamburtjarvis

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

@ehdannyboy

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

@NicCageMatch

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

@Brentweets

Don’t have a “Garage sale” if I can’t buy your garage idiot.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot