Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]

Wife: STOP THAT

Me: Why?

Wife: It’s like…

Me: It’s like what

Wife: It’s definitely like something

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”