Practicing safe sax
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My dress code is business-casualty.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
