Practicing safe sax
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‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it