Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?

Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.

Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY