Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
🤣😈🤣
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
GM✌🏻
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
this is the kind of friend i am
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.