Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.