Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷‍♀️

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.