Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
These are too funny not to post 😂
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.