Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
😭😭😭
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea