Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Schools be like there’s not enough shit at the end of the year can you also get your kid a white elephant gift for a class party tomorrow?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
what’s the point then??
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon