Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying

Me: And there’s no cure?

Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate

Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth

– the groceries in the back of my car

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.