Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse