Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: why is my neck so long?

God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.

Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!

[monkey climbs a nearby tree]

Giraffe:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

181.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

I have a bitch face but I’m a parent so it’s never resting