Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.