Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see