Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.