Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
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hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
About to throw up
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.