“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.