“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Smile they said.
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.