It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
i can’t wait that long
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Pikachu found the lost joint
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”