Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.