Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

*walks into hospital carrying baby*

“What’s your return policy on this thing?”

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.