Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Breaking news:
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t