Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
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As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it