Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
bears
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away