Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
This is so wrong 😂
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.