Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I love texting my boyfriend
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.