Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
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Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay