Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Pleading insanity in small claims court