Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

“I’ll be back!”

-boomerangs

-and herpes

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

I’m really happy being single

Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.