Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

My loaf of bread looks terrified

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS