Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care