Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

Not to date myself, but nobody else will.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night

Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak

Wife: what no that wasn’t it

Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what

first you must answer his riddles

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today