Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.