Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
The Struggle
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs