Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You Might Also Like
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.