Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
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LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The Backseat Boys
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I remember when things only cost an arm.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.